Consent: A Definition

Remember that one time, I wrote a post on consent, and I promised to write more on consent, like how consent can be sexy, and then I never did?

Yeah, sorry about that. Life happened? I was distracted by other blog ideas? I wrote posts that were timely with current events?

Speaking of current events, consent should be a timeless idea, but in the Steubenville aftermath, and to honor Sexual Assault Awareness Month, bringing it up again seems especially appropriate.

Confession: My observations of the political and social climate in the States are clouded by my identity as a feminist. (Shocking revelation, I know).

I spend a borderline-obsessive amount of time educating myself on the gender pay gap (it exists, but whining about 77 cents on the dollarmakes you look like an uninformed idiot), following proposed and enacted anti-choice legislation seeking to limit women’s reproductive health (I then inform Beau of states where we cannot live one day, like North Dakota), and studying sexual assault (the prevalence, the perpetrators, the different forms, societal causes, etc.).

One of the most encouraging trends I’ve noticed in the last year is the appearance, at least, of more people calling for a change in rape prevention. The trendy feminist thing to say is “Don’t teach women not to get raped. Teach men not to rape.” Campaigns include Men Can Stop Rape and Don’t BeThat Guy.

From the new bystander intervention campaign.

One of the most discouraging trends I’ve noticed, however, is the

CAUTION: ANGRY FEMINIST HULKING OUT. SKIP TO BELOW IF YOU ARE AN EASILY OFFENDED MAN.

Disgusting, whiny, misogynistic, uncaring attitude from waaaaaaaay too many men who are falling over themselves to see who can be the most obnoxious and privileged asshole of all time.

Not all men are rapists! I’m offended at the implication! No fucking duh. Look, feminists are a little tired of prefacing every conversation about rape with the disclaimer that we know most men aren’t rapists. But guess what. Most rapists are men. So if we’re gonna talk about rape, we gotta talk about men. GET OVER YOUR DAMN PRIVILEGE.

What, I have to get consent now every time I have sex? That’s absurd! What a mood-killer. You’re a fucking idiot who’s either a rapist or just really lousy in bed. If you can’t find a sexy way to get clear consent from your partner, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

YOU MAY RESUME YOUR REGULAR, INOFFENSIVE READING.

Or, more nicely put, one of the most discouraging trends I’ve noticed is when some men don’t understand what feminists are trying to do and thus lash out with irrational fear.

Y’all, consent is not that scary. No one is demanding abstinence from anyone. But is it really too much to ask that you only have sex (or engage in other sexual activity) with someone who’s an eager and willing participant?

So what is consent?

From the Health Promotion Department of the University Health Center at the University of Georgia:

Consent is a voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement.

Voluntary: Your partner knows she can say no. Your partner feels safe saying yes.

Sober: You’ve had a few drinks, but you and your partner both know your tolerance levels, and you’re still capable of making sound judgment. | You’re feeling drunk, but you still want to have sex with your sober partner. Your partner suggests you two cuddle and kiss for some time first, giving you a chance to sober up. | You really like drunken sex, so you talk to your partner while you’re both still sober about having sex later when drunk.

Imaginative: (see Creative, see Informed) Consent isn’t a blanket statement to do anything and everything. Consent is open communication between partners on sexual likes and dislikes. Be honest with your partner about what you’d like to try, before you experiment with something new.

Enthusiastic: When you say “Yes” after saying “No” for hours, because your partner won’t stop badgering you, this is not enthusiastic consent. While judgment varies on whether or not this is rape, your partner cares about her own sexual needs more than your feelings.

From FORCE: Upsetting Rape Culture

Creative: (see Imaginative) Sometimes you both might want sex, but there are obstacles in the way. Creativity includes skype sex (long distance relationships FTW), shower sex (apparently good when kids are in the picture), and other fun solutions other than missionary position in the marital bed.

Wanted: You should desire your partner, and your partner should desire you.

Informed: (see Imaginative) Your partner knows you hate ABC, but you love XYZ. You told your partner you wanted to try 123, your partner counter-offered with 456, and you two agreed on 789.

Mutual: You consent to your partner. Your partner consents to you.

Honest: You and your partner trust each other. You and your partner adhere to all sexual decisions made together. If your feelings change about a sexual act, you tell your partner. If your partner is accidentally causing you pain in bed, you speak up. You and your partner maintain open communication about your sexual needs.

Verbal agreement: Your partner starts initiating sex, but you don’t respond. Your partner stops and asks you if you’re interested in sex. Your partner waits for an answer.

This might seem like a lot to remember, but if you’re really good at reading comprehension, you’ve noticed I’m basically saying the same stuff over and over again. 1) Do you want to have sex? 2) Does your partner want to have sex? If you both answer yes, have sex. If either of you answers no, don’t have sex.

CONSENT FTW!

Confessions of a Christian Feminist

Like many Americans, I become emotional and especially religious around Easter. I can’t help but reflect on my complicated beliefs as a Christian feminist. Inspired by my new blogging friend Betsy, these are my beliefs.

The Church of the Jacobins in Toulouse

I believe in a Greater Being, an Ultimate Creator, who I call God, and for whom I use feminine pronouns.

I believe this Greater Being is so great as to surpassgender—a human and thus limiting concept—and as a Greater Being beyond gender, both masculine and feminine pronouns are appropriate.

I believe we’re all worshipping the same God, just with different names.

I believe that God created* men and women to be equals, to be partners. I believe that patriarchy is a result of sin.

I believe Jesus is the Son of God. I believe Jesus was a man because no one would have listened to a woman proclaiming she was the Daughter of God.

I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I believe in His resurrection.

I believe that accepting Christ and His sacrifice on the cross is the best path to eternal life, but not necessarily the only one.

I believe in a God of love. I believe in loving my neighbor** as myself.

I believe the Bible is divinely inspired, but humanly flawed. I only accept biblical interpretations that promote love and equality, not hate or subjugation.

Today is Easter, and many of us are updating our facebook statuses and tweeting, “He is risen!” 

Today we celebrate the resurrection. 

Today I played a video of Collin Raye’s song, “What if Jesus Comes Back Like That?” for my atheist boyfriend. I know we’re incapable of godly love, but we can do a lot better with our humanly love.

Today I challenge you not only to celebrate God’s love for you, but to celebrate God’s love for all of us. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for only the good, or the wealthy, or the beautiful, or the smart people.

Jesus died for all of us, because we are all sinners.

All of us.

Thus we should spend less time judging, less time condemning, and more time forgiving, more time accepting.

If we all focused on loving our neighbors, and truly treating others as we want to be treated, just think of how beautiful our world would be.

*So God created humankind in His image, in the image of God He created them; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 NSRV.

** “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ Matthew 22:36-39 NSRV.

Men Are Statistically More Likely to be Victims of Rape Than to be Falsely Accused of Rape

Confession: I regularly tweet at work. And not just because I manage all the social media for my company. I work for a start-up company, which means my job description includes the ability to “hurry up and wait.” In-between actual job tasks, I read the latest on Jezebel, stalk my new favorite blogs, and tweet about sexual assault.

Today, as I was getting ready to leave work, I tweeted two things. 

The response to the first was typical.

The response to the second is the most number of retweets and favorites I have ever received. By far.

Not surprisingly, I also received a small number of hostile replies to the suggestion that men shouldn’t be nearly as worried about being falsely accused of rape as they should about being victims of rape. Maybe because it’s easier to think women are more likely to lie than men are to be violent? I don’t know.

In light of the recent Steubenville case, and the disgusting amount of victim-blaming on the Internet, and the fight I had with my twin brother (the rape apologist) last week, and the replies I received to this tweet… I give you…

A post on men and sexual violence.

I looked at three numbers when I tweeted earlier. (I am using statistics from the U.K. only because of the recent study on false accusations. At the end of this post, I will also include some U.S. details with links).

One, the number of rapists who get away with it. (In the U.K., the conviction rate for reported rapes is only 5%, and the majority of rapes are not reported at all).

Two, the number of men who are rape victims. (In the U.K., 8% of reported rape victims are men, but one expert estimates 3 in 20 men have been raped).

Three, the number of men who are falsely accused of rape. (A recent study in the U.K. of a 17-month period shows only 38 prosecutions for false accusations of rape and 5,651 prosecutions for rape. In other words, .7% of rape allegations were false).

Based on the Internet and real-life interactions (so anecdata here), most men are primarily concerned with being falsely accused of rape.

Before I go any further, let me state this, in bold, so the people who are skimming this before they YELL AT ME LIKE THIS, will still read it. Falsely accusing a man of rape is absolutely despicable. Women (and men, and parents of children) should absolutely be prosecuted and punished for this crime. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of this happening. It is WRONG, period.

The problem with our society is not that we think lightly of false accusations—the problem is that we fear them to an illogical degree, to the point that we prioritize protecting men from false rape accusations over protecting women (and men) from actual rape.

When I started writing this, I asked Beau a question. I prefaced my question with an assurance of the seriousness of my question and my genuine desire to understand his answer, along with the caveat that he’s probably not representative of most men in their 20s.

Before we started dating, did you ever worry about being falsely accused of rape?

“No,” he replied. Why? He knows a “million” people who could attest to his character and integrity, who would stand up for him and swear he’s always respectful of women.

I commented that maybe it’s different for him, since he’s saving sex for marriage. He explained it was more than that because abstaining from sex doesn’t prevent women from falsely accusing you of rape. He noted that the men who seem most worried about being falsely accused of rape are the ones who already disrespect women and treat them badly.

Again, anecdata. We’re two people, not a scientific study.

But the most vocal men on the Interwebz crying about false rape accusations express their fears in one of several worrisome ways.

Women are liars and sluts: Whores just sleep around, and then when they regret it in the morning, they call rape so no one will know they’re eager little sluts.

Your dozen studies aren’t good enough: Feminists are crazy with this whole “1 in 5” bullshit number. How many rapes are reported to the police? I don’t see one in five women filing police reports. It’s just a bunch of lies feminists created so women think all men are rapists.

I reject your definition of rape: What, so now you can’t have sex with a woman if she’s been drinking? That’s rape now? I guess I’m a rapist then, and so are all my friends!

From the "Don't Be That Guy" campaign in Canada.

Which brings us back to the Steubenville case. Testimonyfrom other boys at the party revealed what feminists have been saying for years: we need to teach men not to rape. They already know not to jump out from the bushes and attack a woman with a knife. They do NOT know not to digitally penetrate a passed out teenage girl. They do NOT know that trying to force an unresponsive teenage girl to perform oral sex is attempted rape.

We need to talk about enthusiastic consent. Because here’s a little secret on how not to get falsely accused of rape: respect all women, and always obtain clear, enthusiastic consent before commencing any sexual activity.

For a longer list on how to avoid false rape accusations, from a fairly anti-feminist site, read this article here.

For more information on sexual assault statistics in the U.S., along with where to seek treatment or assistance, see the resources I have listed in my library.

Also this Wikipedia article, and this list of reports/studies from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, and this pdf from the U.S. Census.

How I'm "Finding My Virginity"

Confession: My blog is no longer “Confessions of a Virgin.” Not because Beau and I have had coitus—we’re still unwedded, and thus unbedded, in at least once sense of the word. Nor did I change my blog title because I want my writing to be less confessional and more typical.

I am constantly evolving as a person—as a Christian, as a feminist, as a bibliophile, as a girlfriend, as a writer. My blog thus evolves with me. I started by writing mostly about virginity. I expanded a bit to include stories of online dating. I added feminist issues. I started writing book reviews. The central focus of my blog is still virginity, but writing about all these other topics provides context to my own virginity.

From when I was a debutante. Photographer information available upon request.

Virginity is a social construct. I’m aware of that. As a social construct, virginity is tied into sexual purity which is an arbitrary measure of goodness which conservative societies regularly use to control women while enforcing heternormative beliefs. But healthy conversations about virginity can be had, and even a Christian/other religious approach to virginity can be healthy, depending on how we discuss it.

To an extent, the Christian ideals from my childhood and adolescence shape some of my ideas on my own virginity. When my mom gave me “the talk,” she included the Christian perspective of saving sex for marriage. The Christian organization I attended all four years of undergrad—and served in the leadership group my sophomore and junior years—gave sermon series on dating, relationships, sex, and marriage every three years (so autumn of my freshman and senior years). Considering how conservative most of the members were, and the parent Protestant denomination, the sermons themselves were fairly relatable and borderline-egalitarian.

But I also took “Feminist Biblical Interpretation” my senior year, and my senior seminar for my history major was “History on the Margins,” which looked at marginalized peoples during Early Modern Europe. Both of these classes provided a wealth of historical and cultural context to the ideals of virginity until marriage.

Add that to my personal examination of how I feel about sex, all of it. I have literally been questioning my personal beliefs—how I would treat sex in my own life, not how I feel about other people’s choices—for about ten years now. For a very long time my evolving thoughts were theoretical, because I had yet to meet a man with whom I even desired to have sex. Obviously the theoretical became the practical when I met Beau.

I’ve been blogging for a year and a half now, during which I’ve enjoyed a variety of non-coital activities with Beau. That said, I started this blog the day after our first date, after spending months thinking about sharing my “virginal” experiences in some sort of anonymous fashion. Some of my decisions on what I can and cannot do in bed before marriage have changed during the course of our relationship. This doesn’t make me a hypocrite—this makes me human.

I’ve seen the phrase “choices aren’t made in a vacuum” oft-repeated in online feminist discussions. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that my desire to wait until marriage to experience coitus with my husband is largely influenced by my religious upbringing. I can make this decision for myself without believing that premarital sexual activity is a sin.

I’m also aware that by calling myself a virgin, I’m partly accepting virginity as a real thing, beyond a social construct. And by drawing the line at coitus,* which can technically only happen between a man and a woman, I’m perpetuating heteronormative beliefs, even though I’m a bisexual woman.

I acknowledge this has been a long-ish and convoluted blog post. It mirrors my journey of discovering what sex and virginity mean in my own life. My journey has been (and continues to be) how I find my virginity.

Hence my new blog title.

This is me, Belle Vierge, 

the demi-vierge,  

Finding My Virginity.

*Beau pointed out that we’ve also drawn the line at anal sex, but it’s not a line we ever intend to cross. TOTALLY fine for other couples if both parties are enthusiastic about the idea, but I have Crohn’s Disease. That part of my body will forever be associated with all Crohnie activities.